The Best Alcohol, According to a 10-Year-Old Who Hasn't Tasted It Yet

I have a mature palate for a ten year old. I know this because I don’t complain too much when I eat canned green beans and only gag a little when I think too hard about cottage cheese. Two of my favorite snacks are black olives—the most adult snack—and those stinky, tangy Gardetto’s mustard pretzels, which will burn my taste buds off before I reach puberty. Thus, I am highly qualified to rate alcohol, a substance I will not taste for another decade.

Most of my knowledge of alcohol comes from D.A.R.E. assemblies and movies where girls let their hair down from a ponytail to become hot. With that in mind, here, in no particular order, are the best types of alcohol.

(Note: Ratings are based on things like imagined flavor, sophistication, and how mad my mom would get if she heard me talking about it.)

Wine

If church has taught me anything, it’s that wine is pretty okay! It’s like sour Welch’s and it absolves you of your sins—two of the most important things when it comes to alcohol. Wine goes with cheese and “going with cheese,” as we all know, is another indicator of alcohol being good. I’ve also seen multiple Arbor Mist commercials, which leads me to believe that wine is what wives drink when their husbands are playing catch on the beach, which is my number one desired quality in a future husband.

5 out of 5 stars

Wine Coolers

Wine coolers are like regular wine but sexy. (Please don’t tell my parents I said “sexy!”) If I ever go on spring break, I will drink Bartles & Jaymes and wear bikinis that go up my buttcrack in a hot way. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but whatever it is, I will unwind at the end of a day with the most womanly drink, an Exotic Berry wine cooler.

5 out of 5 stars

All Beer

I’ve had root beer before, but something tells me it is not at all like actual beer. The only other types of beer I’m aware of are Miller, Miller Lite, and whatever comes in a keg. Based on smell alone, I imagine beer tastes like yeast and stale burps. I will probably drink it to impress many mediocre men later in life.

3 out of 5 stars for taste, but 5 out of 5 for making me seem like a chill girl

Shots

So, there is also something called “hard liquor,” which I believe includes things like vodka, whiskey, tequila, nail polish remover, and floor cleaner. Based on the faces people make after taking a shot, I’m guessing they taste bad but are cool. Regardless, getting to slam a tiny glass on a table looks fun to me.

2 out of 5 for flavor, but 5 out of 5 for making you go “Woo!”

Cosmopolitans

I have never seen Sex and the City nor have I ever said its name aloud without letting out a little giggle. But I’m pretty sure they drink Cosmos on the show. From what I understand, Cosmos are made of clear alcohol, something pink (maybe strawberries?), and the most breakable-looking glass you can find. Most importantly, I think it’d feel very good to say, “Bartender! I’ll have a Cosmo,” and then wink, something I will definitely learn how to do before I’m 21.

5 out of 5 stars for flavor, appearance, and spilling hot gossip

Martinis

Martinis are like Cosmos with a career. People who drink martinis have very grown-up jobs like Finance, International Spy, or Important Magazine Lady. Also, martinis come with green olives, but I’m sure I could substitute them for black ones.

5 out of 5 stars for sophistication and coming with a little snack

Champagne

The fizzier the drink, the fancier it is. Similarly, many of the fanciest words have a silent g: foreign, reign, lasagna. This makes champagne the fanciest drink out there. I guess that makes sense because champagne is also served at all the fanciest occasions: New Year’s Eve, weddings, probably the Oscars, Valentine’s day, closing a big company deal, being in a limo. Plus, champagne is the easiest alcohol to replicate. You just pour ginger ale in a champagne glass, and it looks pretty much the same. I’m guessing it tastes basically the same, too.

5 out of 5 stars

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