My mother-in-law always bullies me until she gets her way. Do I have to put up with her hostile sarcasm?

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• You don't have to put up with disrespectful behavior, but approaching your mother-in-law with a calm tone can help.
• Explain how your interactions have made you feel, and express they type of relationship you wish you had. Your fiancé can also be a part of this talk.
• Offer suggestions to your mother-in-law for better ways to navigate disagreements. If she doesn't respect the plan you agree on, it's OK to set boundaries to protect your emotional and mental health.
• Have a question for Julia? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously. You can read more Doing It Right here. 
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My mother-in-law is extremely difficult, and has a "my way or the highway" mentality.

Whenever I have a different view than her and express it, she becomes mean, sarcastic, and goes out of her way to create drama for her daughter, who is my fiancé, and me.

It started two years ago. I was helping her with her Tupperware-selling business and was handling one of the glass containers for sale, when it slipped out of my hand and broke. My mother-in-law told me I had to pay for it, and I did.

But after thinking about the situation more, I decided to tell her I no longer wanted to help. She wasn't paying me to assist with her business, and the added stress of having to pay if something accidentally broke wasn't worth it for me.

The day after I told her I quit, she made a sarcastic comment towards me, and I retorted with sarcasm of my own. After, she demanded I apologize. When I refused, she told me I have to respect her because she's older.

She continued to be rude to me for three more weeks, and said to my face that I make my fiancé unhappy, which I know was a lie meant to upset me. 

To make matters worse, my mother-in-law texts me to complain about my fiancé like she wants me to take her side, and constantly tells other relatives my fiancé and her are disrespectful while omitting her own inciting behavior.

Her other daughter and husband enable this behavior, and bombard my fiancé and me with messages telling us to agree with her to make things easier.

Is there anything I can do to improve the situation, or will I have to endure this for my entire relationship?

– South Africa

Dear South Africa,

It's clear you're committed to supporting your family-to-be, and I'm sorry the sentiment isn't being reciprocated like it should. I don't blame you for stepping back when you felt underappreciated.

Though your mother-in-law sounds like a difficult person, setting boundaries and initiating a conversation with her could help the situation.

Before you do that, talk with your fiancé and create a plan so you're on the same page. It is her family after all, and having her support as you navigate this tricky relationship will make all of the difference.

During this chat, decide how each of your mother-in-law's behaviors should be addressed, since they each require a different plan of attack, New York City-based therapist Rachel Wright previously told me.

If I were you, I'd prioritize the sarcastic comments because they seem to be a common theme.

Start with telling your fiancé, if you haven't already, how her mother's constant retorts make you feel and express your need for support. You could sit down with her mom together, if she feels the same way, or she can simply affirm your feelings.

"It's always helpful if you and your partner are on the same page," New York City-based licensed clinical psychologist Bukky Kolawole previously told me.

Then it's time to confront your mother-in-law using what Wright calls the "Acknowledge, Explain, Offer" framework.

Text or call her and ask to set up a time to talk in person about your relationship. Once there, acknowledge that the two of you have been clashing over issues large and small, and explain that her brusque reactions to your disagreements make you feel unwelcomed and unloved.

Once you get that on the table, you can offer a way to move forward and use some tough love in the process. At first, tell your mother-in-law you think these disagreements stem from misunderstandings, and you want to have a good relationship with her. 

Depending on how she responds, you could set boundaries to let her know that if she continues down this path despite your willingness to work with her, you and your fiancé will have to create some space from her. How you do this is something you should discuss with your partner prior to the big talk.

As Philadelphia-based therapist Shanta Jackson previously told me, setting boundaries sends the message that you don't condone disrespectful behavior.

You could say something like, "I want nothing more than to be on good terms with each other, and I'm willing to calmly talk it out when we don't see eye-to-eye. If you don't agree with me, please ask to discuss the situation with me, or we can agree to disagree." 

Feel free to fill in this example with whatever course of action you'd prefer your mother-in-law take as a substitute for her sarcastic comments.

If she breaches your boundary, it's fair to gently remind her of it a couple of times. But if she continues, let her know there will be consequences, like you and your fiancé spending less time around the family.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.

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